The year of 2017 has been a crazy year for me. My brother Zach got married, I finished my first year of college, some of my family members moved away, I went on my first solo roadtrip, and my dear grandfather passed away. I've been blessed and humbled, but most of all, struck completely in awe by the grace and beauty of God. And even though some hard things have happened this year, my life has been full of adventures, from road tripping and camping, to climbing mountains and hugging giant trees. So much beauty has been presented to me this year and I feel so very blessed.
One of my dear friends, after stalking me for awhile on instagram, said "Liz, your instagram makes it seem like your life is just so much fun and like you're always getting to explore new places." And it really struck me just how easy it is to create this persona of having everything put together, even when you're not trying to.
I have this journal that now has three years of entries (I really suck at keeping a journal). I picked it up a couple of days to let out some frustration, and saw that the last time I'd wrote in it was exactly a year ago, Dec 23, 2016. And the one before then was Dec. 22, 2015. It surprised me just how similar they all were.
Dec. 22, 2015.
Today I am here to vent all my feelings. It's probably healthier than bottling them all up and exploding. My biggest issue right now is how spiritually dry I feel right now. I haven't been focusing on God the way I should be. I've been letting the stress of school, work, and boys go before my bible study and prayer life. I know this needs to change, but I feel this distance.
Lord, help me to set my heart and soul in focus to you. Give me back your joy so that I can better serve you in my daily life.
Dec. 23, 2016
Lately I've been going through a lot of ups and downs. One day my relationship with God seems great, but then a couple days later, I feel like He's not even there.
I feel like a screwup.
I'm constantly messing up. I'm constantly giving into sin and going after what I desire, not what God desires. It's not something I like, and it's never worth it, so how come I keep falling into this trap?I feel like I keep digging this huge hole for myself and I try to climb back up, but then I slip and it gets deeper and deeper.
Is it possible to keep forgiving someone who continuously makes the same mistakes?
Dec 23. 2017
Today is the day before Christmas Eve and wow, I honestly can't believe another Christmas season has come and gone.
Life lately has been crazy. I feel so discontent, like I'm doing nothing with my life. Yes, I'm working my butt off, and I'm getting good grades in school, and future adventurous plans may be coming my way, but those plans seem so far away, my job continues to drain the life out of me, and school just adds to the tiredness. I'm busy, but I don't like the busy I'm busy with.
I know God has an ultimate plan for my life, and that He'll guide my steps, but sometimes He too seems so far away and so very quiet.
But all the same, I continue to remind myself that this won't be forever. I work because I need money to save for the future. I go to school because an education is important to my dream of teaching English. I won't be rooted in this spot forever.
This restlessness won't haunt me forever. My Savior is indeed good, so so good. There are greater things in store for the future. Sometimes it just takes awhile.
Oh Lord, please give me strength to climb mountains.
And that's why I share these journal entries. To show you that despite what I and everyone else may present to the public, it isn't everything. I still have struggles, doubts, sadness, and restlessness. My relationship with Christ is constantly being stretched and strengthened. There's a backstory to where I am and how I got there and what I'm feeling. Today, I want to be honest and show you that messiness and struggles and bumps are always present, yet God gives us strength to climb mountains and touch waterfalls and sing at the top of our lungs. Sometimes though, we just don't show what got us there. So let's make 2018 the year where we present more honesty and embrace authenticity.
Do you present yourself differently online than in real life? How do you feel about hiding the "less desirable" part of yourself? Trials and fears and doubts are a part of what makes who we are. Don't ever be ashamed of reaching out to the Lord and the people who love you. Let God assist you in your journey to climb mountains <3
Have a wonderful week,
Elizabeth
