Was it real? // Today I Noticed #1

A few months back, I began a new writing challenge. Every day (or as much as I could) I would freewrite in my journal beginning with "Today I noticed." It's something I've started to do again, but I've also been looking at some of the old entries. Some of them are full of jumbled up words because I was too tired, others have some wisdom to them, and others are just downright silly.

Today I decided to share one of my entries.

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Today I noticed just how much I question my interactions with others. I've always considered myself an open person. I want to create deep, personal relationships with others. I want to be real-and I think I am! It's after those real encounters that I begin to question the authenticity of them. 

I'm a firm believer that some of the best conversations start in the car. Liv and I carpooled to the city together today and just talked. We talked about love, travel, shame, privilege, pain. We talked about things that matter, and it felt real.

Was it real?

And you see, I begin to ask myself that question because I know the things she's said about me in the past. What if she tells people what I told her? What if I get hurt?

Today I noticed that to live a truly vulnerable life, you can't begin to question every tiny or big interaction you have with someone. You can't control what they do, or say, or feel. All you can be is truly yourself. 

Overall, I'm choosing to look at the evening as a good one. No matter how real or fake it was, I know for certain that I was real, we got to know each other better, and it was a beautiful night in the city. 

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*names and location have been changed for privacy.

Do you find vulnerability hard? Do you often feel guarded around others? Consider how leading a more vulnerable life could bless you and those around you! Remember that no matter how much you care about what others think about you, the only thoughts and mindset you can change is your own. 

Hoping you're all having a lovely day!

Elizabeth

i forgot how to write.

Life gets crazy and I get lazy and next thing I know, it's been months since I've even looked at my blog.

I forgot what words are and how one can use them to create movement, change, and inspiration.
That happens when writing becomes convincing your professor to give you an A.

I forgot that writing brought me joy and discovery and release.
So much better than netflix or chocolate, am I right?

It's been awhile since I popped on over here to say hi. A lot has changed in the last few months that is exciting and new, but life has also been full of mood swings and confusion. I've been avoiding writing anything, here or on paper, because I'm afraid to face my thoughts.

it's time to face my thoughts. You ready?

I graduated with my AA-DTA, which means I'm half way done with university! This is just one more step in completing my goal of getting my BA. From there, who knows what will happen. Honestly. I'm in serious need of help in that aspect. I'm pretty sure I change my mind on what I want to study and where I want to study every five days or so. There are many factors, including money, relationships, future occupations. I'm trying to learn to remain present even when every cell of my brain is screaming to know what is ahead.

I moved half way around the world to study a different language and eat lots of food and cry about missing my dog. That's what a gap year is all about, right? It's been a huge move-being immersed in a different culture and having to be independent, but it's been so so good. I cry a lot and boy there's no way I could do this without the Lord sustaining me with joy, strength, and boldness every day, but every day He does, and I'm so glad to be here.

I'm so thankful for the people back at home. It's so easy to feel as if I'm split in half living in a different country and creating new friendships and family here, when everyone in my former (yet still current) life are back at home in the States. Despite that, I've never felt pushed away or isolated. My friends and family still continue to update me, pray for me, encourage me, and send me silly selfies. I'm so grateful for the encouraging and faithful relationships I have back at home.

I'm learning that there is never an end to my relationship with God or in the studying of His word. In fact, the more I study and confess, the more I see just how messy I am. I thought I was ready to teach people about what I know, but in reality, it's been much more like God teaching me, me crying, being confused, falling on my face, and then talking about what God has been teaching me. It's humbling and hard, and I don't think that pattern will stop anytime soon. Maybe less crying, but no promises.

Look at me! I have a huge smile on my face. Obviously I needed to jump back on here. Although I've been a bit (or very) inactive over here, I've been trying to stay somewhat active over on my instagram. It's been so encouraging to see how the Lord is working in all of your lives, and to have the continued support of the blogging community over on that platform.

I was talking to a new friend the other day about what I was passionate about, and I started talking about writing and building community, only to realize just how long it had actually been since I'd done that. I've missed my little corner of the internet. I'm not sure how active I'll be on my blog for the next couple of months, but writing is what I love. You'll see me again.

What have your thoughts been recently? How has God been working in your life in the last few months or so? Leave me a comment below and let me know how you're doing, dear.


Talk to you shortly,

Elizabeth

My dad died on a beautiful day.

My dad died on a beautiful day. The skies were as clear as crystals with bright winter sun dancing across my hair as I laughed with my friends on the playground. He took his final breath right before dawn, unaware of the day that was to become the most memorable of his daughter's life. 

They say death waits for no man, and that one can never predict when one might die. Live each day to the fullest, they say. But I knew. I knew as I left the house that evening that that was the last time I’d ever see my dad’s living face. After all, his nearly lifeless body had been laying downstairs in a hospital bed for nearly a week, scaring me from leaving my room. My once strong father, turning into ash right before my eyes.

I had plans to stay with a friend. How cruel, you might say, that I left knowing my dad was going to die that next day, but you must understand my motives. My house scared me. I was terrified one day I’d walk downstairs staring at my dad’s unmoving body. I didn’t want to be the one to find him after his spirit had left his body. 

Please do not think me heartless. After all, I sat there grasping my dad’s hand, endlessly sending prayers upwards in hopes that somehow, my dad might pull through. But my mom knew, just as I did, that this was his last night. She begged me to tell him it was okay to let go. I refused. It wasn’t okay. My tears spilt onto his skin, but unlike the movies, they did not wake him. Unable to say anything else, I fled. I would not watch him die. I would not pretend I was okay with that. 

It’s a bit ironic, how such a terrible morning turned into such a beautiful day. How something not okay, can look so very okay on the outside with just a little bit of sunshine. 

March 19th, 2011 was a beautiful day. It was one of the warmest days of the winter, giving the people of Western Washington an early taste of spring time. My friends and I made our way to the schoolyard near their house, still damp from the winter rains. My nose was pink from the cold. Maybe also from crying. I dodged a hand trying to tag me, and laughed as we both clumsily slipped in the grass.

My dad had just passed a few hours before. 

I remember thinking, how terrible is it for me to be laughing right now, after such a horrible thing happened? The guilt gripped my heart and turned it into ice. It would take years for that guilt to thaw into a puddle. 

Years later, I am much older and much wiser. I would change much from that day, yes. Now, I would hold my dad tight and wouldn't let go. I would be there for my mother as his body was taken away. I would cry and celebrate and mourn. My dad was gone, but he was no longer in pain. At age 12, I did not do these things, but who could blame me? I was only a young girl too afraid to look death in the eye.

I believe I needed that beautiful day and giggling friends. God provides blessings in the most outstanding of ways. He knew I needed to feel happiness before going to an empty house. It would take years before I could walk downstairs again without thinking that my dad would still be laying there. His helpless body taking painful breaths of air, never knowing which one might be his last. 

I still hold a puddle of guilt in my hands. The ice has slowly been thawed, yet something inside of me can’t let it wash down the drain. The puddle represents the stories I never asked about my dad’s childhood, the cuddles I wiggled out of when he was in pain, the body I abandoned after death. Yet, slowly, I’ve learned to accept that you can’t hold on to guilt forever. 

Guilt has a tendency to hold on and never let you go. But we are not defined by our past. Christ has called us His and we are loved. Let that guilt melt my friends, let it pass between your fingers and welcome in the freedom that is only possible by letting go and trusting Jesus. His grace is abundant and His joy is ceaseless. 

It was a beautiful day, the day my dad died. March 19th. It was beautiful, because the sun was shining as the birds sung their first song of spring. But it was also beautiful, because my dad was no longer sick. It was a beautiful day, because heaven had gained my dad. God had heard my cry. His answer was bringing him home. I didn’t understand it then, but I think I’m starting to now. And slowly, drops of water fall from my hands as my heart becomes warm again.

Thank you, Lord, for beautiful days. 

Here's just one chapter of my story. What's your story?

Elizabeth

He's Still Good // When God's Plan Looks Different Than Ours

"and if not, He is still good."

   I've been thinking about this phrase a lot. It's easy for me to hike up a mountain in Yosemite and proclaim his goodness as I stare across the breathtaking view, or when I receive a job offer with good pay and valuable experience. But how often am I praising His name when I have a fever of 102 or someone I care about isn't doing too well? Not very often.
   Yet, I'm missing the point, because all the time, God is good. His perfect plan is constantly unfolding. "and if not, He is still good."
   I think about prayer when discussing this. Often times, when we pray, we're asking God for good health or financial stability or safety, because to us, that's what out perfect plan consists of. But what if God's plan looks a little bit different? 

   When I was 11 years old, by dad was diagnosed with cancer. Endless days were spent watching my once indestructible father deteriorate within the confines of the blinding white walls of the hospital. I knew God was good, so I began to pray.
   "Please please heal my dad, God. Oh please heal him. If your plan is healing him by taking him to heaven, fine, but please heal him so we can have more time together."
  This became the desperate desire of my heart. Treatment after treatment, my prayers became more constant, more fervent. After all, the more God heard my cries, the higher the chance of Him obliging, right?
   But my dad and I never got more time together. Instead, after 14 months of suffering, he slipped away from this world. God healed him by taking him home.
  But that's not what I wanted. Didn't God understand that I only added that part into my prayer so it would make me look good and further my chances of Him smiling upon me? I began to question, is God really still good?

"and if not, He is still good." 

   It took so long for that to resonate. And sometimes it's still so hard to grasp. But guys, from the depth of my heart can I tell you right here and now that I believe it. I may not always understand it, I may still experience sorrow beyond my imagination one day, but throughout those doubts and worries and grief, God is good.
   Sometimes it may be revealed right away why God's plan unfolded the way it did. Maybe you didn't go to that concert because that fatal car crash could have involved you. Other times it takes weeks, months, years even, for it to be revealed. Overtime, maybe, you'll see how trials and tribulations have shaped you as a person and have grown your relationship with Christ. Yet other times, it may never be clear as to why God let things happen the way they happened.
   Remember, we live in a fallen world, the consequence of our sin. God's original plan for us was to live without the fear of death, grief, or sadness. But that doesn't mean God has abandoned us. God doesn't promise to keep all hardships away from us, but He does promise to walk through them with us.  God's perfect plan will still be fulfilled, and in the meantime, we live trusting in Him. After all, God says that there is no trial given to us that we cannot overcome.
   So yes, there will be hardships and times you question why. But remember that even when things take a turn for the worse, God's goodness still prevails. Lean on Him and let it wash over you. Because even when life may not be going as hoped, God is still God. He knows. 

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and though the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you." 
-Isaiah 43:2

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. 
-Romans 8:28

When have you clearly seen God's goodness in your life, and when have there been times it's been more difficult? I believe we've all had experiences where it's clear, and others times, not so much. Yet, his goodness prevails and the fire will not burn us, because His grace and love surrounds us. Amen? Amen.

Have a wonderful week my friends,

Elizabeth

instagram doesn't show everything

The year of 2017 has been a crazy year for me. My brother Zach got married, I finished my first year of college, some of my family members moved away, I went on my first solo roadtrip, and my dear grandfather passed away. I've been blessed and humbled, but most of all, struck completely in awe by the grace and beauty of God. And even though some hard things have happened this year, my life has been full of adventures, from road tripping and camping, to climbing mountains and hugging giant trees. So much beauty has been presented to me this year and I feel so very blessed.

One of my dear friends, after stalking me for awhile on instagram, said "Liz, your instagram makes it seem like your life is just so much fun and like you're always getting to explore new places." And it really struck me just how easy it is to create this persona of having everything put together, even when you're not trying to.

I have this journal that now has three years of entries (I really suck at keeping a journal). I picked it up a couple of days to let out some frustration, and saw that the last time I'd wrote in it was exactly a year ago, Dec 23, 2016. And the one before then was Dec. 22, 2015. It surprised me just how similar they all were.

Dec. 22, 2015.

Today I am here to vent all my feelings. It's probably healthier than bottling them all up and exploding. My biggest issue right now is how spiritually dry I feel right now. I haven't been focusing on God the way I should be. I've been letting the stress of school, work, and boys go before my bible study and prayer life. I know this needs to change, but I feel this distance. 
Lord, help me to set my heart and soul in focus to you. Give me back your joy so that I can better serve you in my daily life. 

Dec. 23, 2016

Lately I've been going through a lot of ups and downs. One day my relationship with God seems great, but then a couple days later, I feel like He's not even there. 
I feel like a screwup.
I'm constantly messing up. I'm constantly giving into sin and going after what I desire, not what God desires. It's not something I like, and it's never worth it, so how come I keep falling into this trap?I feel like I keep digging this huge hole for myself and I try to climb back up, but then I slip and it gets deeper and deeper. 
Is it possible to keep forgiving someone who continuously makes the same mistakes? 


Dec 23. 2017

Today is the day before Christmas Eve and wow, I honestly can't believe another Christmas season has come and gone. 
Life lately has been crazy. I feel so discontent, like I'm doing nothing with my life. Yes, I'm working my butt off, and I'm getting good grades in school, and future adventurous plans may be coming my way, but those plans seem so far away, my job continues to drain the life out of me, and school just adds to the tiredness. I'm busy, but I don't like the busy I'm busy with. 
I know God has an ultimate plan for my life, and that He'll guide my steps, but sometimes He too seems so far away and so very quiet. 
But all the same, I continue to remind myself that this won't be forever. I work because I need money to save for the future. I go to school because an education is important to my dream of teaching English.  I won't be rooted in this spot forever. 
This restlessness won't haunt me forever. My Savior is indeed good, so so good. There are greater things in store for the future. Sometimes it just takes awhile.  
Oh Lord, please give me strength to climb mountains. 

This is the season where people present their best selves. Their pictures are full of fun in the snow and smiling faces decorating a Christmas tree. We get greeting cards in the mail full of happy looking families and we sing carols full of holly jolliness. But instagram doesn't show everything guys. Those happy family Christmas cards don't mean they have everything put together. My caption about how beautiful God's creation is and how he just humbles me every time I step outside, doesn't mean my relationship with God is perfect.

And that's why I share these journal entries. To show you that despite what I and everyone else may present to the public, it isn't everything. I still have struggles, doubts, sadness, and restlessness. My relationship with Christ is constantly being stretched and strengthened. There's a backstory to where I am and how I got there and what I'm feeling. Today, I want to be honest and show you that messiness and struggles and bumps are always present, yet God gives us strength to climb mountains and touch waterfalls and sing at the top of our lungs. Sometimes though, we just don't show what got us there. So let's make 2018 the year where we present more honesty and embrace authenticity.

Do you present yourself differently online than in real life? How do you feel about hiding the "less desirable" part of yourself? Trials and fears and doubts are a part of what makes who we are. Don't ever be ashamed of reaching out to the Lord and the people who love you. Let God assist you in your journey to climb mountains <3

Have a wonderful week,

Elizabeth